It's strange, growing up. Everything continually changes and more than once I've wanted to go back to the days where I used to escape from home and into trees with my music, pen, paper and imagination.

Anyway, comments from people I love and self-realisation from those words have made me understand that a lot of my problems that I thought were dealt with are really only making me worse.

Psychologically speaking of course

I was watching a documentary this morning, entitled Forgiving Dr Mengele. In case you didn't know, Dr Mengele was the most involved German doctor in genetic experimentation during Hitler's attempt at genocide. He performed most of these experiments on human guinea pigs, twin Jew children at a concentration camp at Auschwitz in Germany during the early 1940's. One of the survivor's, Eva Kor is amazing in that she has taken it upon herself to forgive all of those who wronged her, her twin and her people. Her sister died from kidney failure from one of the injections and she still has the capacity to forgive, but not forget.

I mean hell, if she can do it, why can't I? I didn't go through anything as remotely horrific as her experiences, a bad childhood is easy to blame for dysfunctionality but not any more. If she can forgive Mengele and the SS, then I can certainly forgive my mother, father and step father.

Hehe, I'm sure it sounds like a lot of tosh to you lot but it means quite a bit to me. I don't have to live in fear, anger or contempt any more. It's about letting oneself heal. I want to heal myself, so therefore I can.

In regards to strength, I've found myself to be a bit of a pushover and bend over easily to please others, because it makes them happy. To be myself, I can't let that happen any more. The plan is not outright defiance, more a quiet determination. It's the establishment of me as an individual with my own life, goals and choices. No more following anyone, but no more discounting advice from my friends who are just trying to help me.

Finally, pursuit of dreams. I've been treated with incredulity as to my choice of career. I don't care. I want to teach art and I want to teach it to secondary students. My goal is to finish my degree, complete my diploma and possibly do honours. The reason for honours, is that if I want to, I can go back and study for free, if I get decent marks in honours of course . Anyway, next step is to find a country town to teach in for three years because in Australia, a teacher has to, at any one point, teach three years in the country. This will hopefully give me experience as well as a chance to get out and away from everything I know, a test if you will. Then I want to teach overseas, definitely in England, but I'm not sure if that's where I want to go first. I know there's not a cement way there but I want to keep moving, I want to travel, I want to live my life . And hell, I will!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone in my life who has supported me thus far and I am certain will support me in the future, pull me up by the bootstraps if I slide and give me heaps of hugs. I love you all, I love the happiness I get from spending time with you and I love that you can mean so much to me without even trying, because you like me for me. I love you for you, never forget it